Chapter One -  Coming Out Of The Closet

I never imagined I would be writing a book until a few years ago, when I came out of the closet about my fear of public speaking. Until then I had kept it a secret, sharing my intense fear and dread with only a few trusted family members and friends. I always felt ashamed about having this problem. My biggest fear was that other people would find out how anxious and fearful I was, and they would think there was something really wrong with me. I always wanted to be respected by others, and I was afraid that I would lose all credibility and respect if they detected my terror in speaking in front of others. This fear was magnified by what I imagined people would think, knowing I am a psychotherapist. I felt that people would question my soundness as a therapist if I could not even control my own emotional state when it came to speaking in front of a group of people.

I usually felt okay when I was speaking to an individual or only a few people in an informal setting. Sometimes, though, I had a surge of anxiety if I felt intimidated by a particular person or situation, or if I had a moment of self-consciousness about being the center of attention. The real panic, though, came when I had to speak in a more formal setting. This ranged from having to introduce myself in a new situation, such as in a class or seminar, to having to give a formal presentation of any length. My fear escalated even further if I was called on to speak in front of a larger group of ten or more people, which I had to do from time to time.

Over the years, my fear worsened. I was filled with terror and dread whenever I was faced with having to present myself in front of others, even if the spotlight would be on me for only thirty seconds! Along the way, I started to have symptoms of a full-blown panic attack when I knew I had to speak in front of others and there was no way out of it. I felt like a trapped animal, as though I was afraid for my life. I felt humiliated by my desperate state, and I began to think there must be something really wrong with me.

I remember doing all that I could to try to get out of having to speak at meetings or give presentations. While I was able to pull this off many times, there were also times when I could not avoid the inevitable and I had to speak. When I knew I would face a situation where I would have to speak up in a group, or give a formal presentation, I became filled with deep fear and dread for days, weeks, and even months in advance. I would be preoccupied with this dark cloud looming ahead, and it felt as though I were being given a death sentence. Not only was I afraid of speaking in front of others, but I was also terrified by the deep loss of control I felt in my mind and body while I was in this state of intense fear. The fear of my own loss of control and the fear that others would see me so out of control ultimately fueled my fear into panic.

I suffered alone with this fear and experienced a silent terror anytime I faced a situation where I had to speak. I began to organize my professional life around avoiding meetings and public speaking engagements. I was able to do this quite successfully, especially when I went into private practice and was not part of a larger organization. Years went by and I became content in my avoidance. Little did I know I was worsening my problem by the very act of avoidance. All I knew is that it kept me safe and comfortable.

About five years ago I was confronted with having to face my fear again when I joined a partnership in a private practice group. One of the first things my partners proposed was that we make a joint presentation at the local hospital where I used to work. My initial reaction was panic, and I immediately started to think of ways I could get out of it. Fortunately, my next reaction was that I was fed up with my avoidance tactics and finally said to myself, "Enough is enough." At that moment I knew that I must try to get over my problem, even though I did not believe I could. I then began to see this presentation as an opportunity to confront my fear once and for all, as I was starting to become tired of the fear standing in my way. In the months prior to the presentation, I undertook a massive effort to learn ways to reduce my panic and anxiety.

When the time came to give my presentation at the Danbury Hospital Grand Rounds, I was delighted to see my success in reducing my symptoms of fear using certain principles and strategies. I felt really encouraged. After that I continued my search for more methods to help myself overcome my fear, and I found myself becoming more and more confident that I could beat this thing. I also began to take more risks to speak up and, while initially very anxious, I was able to tolerate my discomfort and not let it stop me as it had before. I now had some coping strategies I could use to reduce my fear to more manageable levels. I was no longer feeling so out of control, which allowed me to take more risks. I began to notice a growing trust and confidence in myself and in my ability to speak up so that my deep fear and dread about speaking began to noticeably lessen. I was both shocked and totally delighted to see this was happening because I had not believed I could really overcome this fear. I had always thought it would be a lifelong affliction that I would have to bear.

As a therapist, I have specialized in helping people who have a wide array of anxiety problems. In recent years I have become most interested in helping people who have phobias related to speaking, as well as performers such as singers, musicians, actors, and actresses who have performance anxiety. In my practice I had helped many people with this type of problem on an individual basis. I began to see results my clients were getting by using the methods that I had used to help myself. I then decided to start a course to teach these methods to groups. In this way, group participants could have a hands-on opportunity to practice the methods while speaking or performing in front of others.

As people took my course and spoke enthusiastically of how helpful the methods were in reducing their fears and inhibitions about speaking or performing in front of others, I decided it was time to share these ideas with others on a larger scale. That is when I decided to write this book, which will be followed by an audiotape series. Helping others like myself who have suffered from this fear has become a driving force in my life. It has become a mission for me to do whatever I can to guide and inspire people to overcome this fear, which has held so many of us back from fully and comfortably expressing ourselves in front of others. This mission has given purpose to my suffering and is an exciting example of turning a problem into an opportunity to help others!

SUMMARY:

• Experiencing panic and dread of public speaking or performing often creates feelings of shame and a feeling of being alone in your suffering.
• Continuing to avoid situations of public speaking or performing tends to worsen the fear over time.
• There is a way out of this problem!
• To overcome this problem, you must make a full commitment to do what it takes to learn and apply the principles and strategies that reduce fear and build confidence in yourself in this area.
• You have the right to fully and comfortably express yourself in front of others and to not be held back by this fear any longer!

ACTION STEPS:

• Vow to yourself right now that you will do what it takes to overcome this problem. Decide that you will no longer be held back by this fear and that you have the need and right to fully and comfortably express yourself in front of others!
• Set aside regular weekly time to read this book and do the exercises. Make it a priority to schedule the time for this. Vow to yourself now that you will complete this book and not allow other things to get in the way.